Freebies and free stuff

EDIT: Apparently they didn’t appreciate the fact that none of us live in Europe, so they’ve removed this freebie.

It seems that pain relievers have to have a hyphen in the name: Ben-Gay, Flex-All, Cort-aid. The only one that I know of that doesn’t is Tiger Balm. I guess you could hyphenate it, but I’ve never seen it that way.

With the hyphens in the name already down, this free sample of Pure-Relieve TENs gel is some new German engineered topical pain reliever. I wonder if because its German engineered if I can put it on my knees and it’ll be like they’re BMWs or something.

And if that makes sense to you, please let me know, because I have no idea where I was going with this one…

[via the forums]

After reading everything I’ll get via this free Kotex sample offer, I’ve come to one conclusion: I’m going to make a horrible husband. My future wife is going to need me to go buy her some feminine products one day and I promise you I’m going to mess it up. Thank goodness I’m not easily embarrassed or there would be no hope for me. Seriously, look at what all this freebie entails.

Kotex® Ultra Thin Pad with Wings
Kotex® Lightdays® Pantiliner (individually wrapped)
Two Kotex® Security® Tampons

What? I’d have an easier time trying to decipher the Rosetta Stone than I would successfully shopping for my significant other. I better hope she really likes my dimples or I’m screwed.

These free Always Infinity samples from Walmart don’t actually always last for infinity, do they? If so, that’s a pretty poor business model. I can only imagine the corporate meeting a year from now when the head of sales is explaining to his bosses that they’ve already sold a product to every consumer in America. He’ll probably have a chart behind him with a comically giant red arrow pointing straight down and they’ll all think they’re doomed.

Then I’ll come in and point out that their brand name doesn’t have to be taken literally. I’ll then grab the chart, flip it around so that the arrow is pointing straight up, and the boardroom will cheer.

The moral of this story is I’ve always wanted to flip a chart around like they do in the cartoons.

Dove, arguably the best company for freebies out there, is at it again! This time they’re giving away free Dove haircare samples. Does Dove have a Director of Freebies position or something? I guarantee you that I’ve posted more freebies from them over the years than any other company, which qualifies them as “awesome” in my book. More companies need to follow suit, specifically Nestle and Hershey. In unrelated news, I could really go for some chocolate right about now.

[via Tabitha]

I’ve never understood the allure of living forever. If we couldn’t die, wouldn’t that make us robots? Look, if I’m going to be a robot, I’d rather have a jet pack, super strength, amazing computing abilities, and laser eyes all before I’d want the ability to live forever. But for those of you who disagree, here’s some free Aveeno Positively Ageless cream to help you at least look younger. Sure, it won’t help you live longer, but you’ll at least look beautiful and from what I understand that’s what people are really after.

What does a free tampon carrying case and a Toyota Prius have in common? I haven’t the slightest, but if you sign up for the free case, you’ll be entered into a drawing for the Prius as well. Now some of you may be thinking “oh great, Goob’s about to go off on one of his rants again,” but you’re wrong. I love it when two seemingly random items are pared together. In fact, I’m going to go eat and peanut butter and cucumber* sandwich right now.

No idea what I’ll use the carrying case for though. I’m not a very big tampon user, so I don’t need to carry them with me. Maybe I could stuff my money in it and start a new fashion trend.

* And by cucumber I mean grape flavored jelly.

EDIT: Aww man, we don’t get to smell like Jennifer Lopez anymore

Is anybody else confused by this free Jennifer Lopez Live Platinum perfume? Call me demanding, but when a singer releases a product with the words “live” and “platinum” in the title, I’m going to assume it’s a CD full of music. I know, what a crazy expectation for me to have, huh?

Who knows, maybe it’s a scratch and sniff CD that you’re supposed to rub all over you. That’d be kinda cool, however you’d look a little insane if somebody caught you in the act of freshening up.

I swear I’m losing my mind. I was talking to a friend and mentioned how I’d posted this free Alterna shampoo earlier this morning. He claimed he had no idea what I was talking about and thus ensued a 30 minute argument. Guess who lost that one.

I guess the real focus should be why two dudes were talking about shampoo. Do me a favor and forget I mentioned it.

[via the forums]

EDIT: This is no longer available.

It took a mere 56 hours without high-speed Internet to turn me from an upstanding citizen to being curled in the fetal position under the covers. I’m still not even sure it’s back. Is this a dream? I’m hallucinating, aren’t I? I knew it was too good to find another Schick razor freebie. Yesterday Adam posted a Titanium freebie (which I made a freebie review of last year) and now I’ve found a free Schick Intuition razor.

Does this mean I have to shave my legs now? I’m not saying I can’t pull it off, but I’d rather not try.

EDIT: This is no longer available.

I don’t really shave often, seeing I’ve got a desk job with a fairly casual dress code, but when I do, I think I only change my razor whenever a new freebee pops up. Especially with the fact that there are 5 and 4 blade razors now. So why buy something when I can get a new one for free every two to three months?

And here comes another one with this free Schick Quattro Titanium razor. Now, I’ll just have to start looking again in another 2-3 months… Of course, why bother then, seeing it’ll be winter then. Maybe I should just grow a beard and not have to worry about it…

[via the forums]

These free Always Infinity products aren’t even for sale yet, but Proctor & Gamble are sending out a bunch of these ahead of time. I plan on using mine as an impromptu hat.

[via the forums]

EDIT: No longer available.

You don’t need to have a baby to get some baby shampoo anymore. Its sorta like when you get those special mailings in the brown paper envelopes? Maybe I’m the only one who gets those?

Or, if not, I wonder if this free sample of Johnson & Johnson’s Baby Shampoo comes in an envelope like that or if my mail person will stare at me and want to see baby pictures. I should just show them a picture of one of my cats then.

[via the forums]

EDIT: Cause Of Death - Overrun by cavities.

What a perfect freebie to post right after the free jelly beans. It’s almost as if Wal Mart knew that freebie fans from coast to coast would need to stave off the onrush of cavities with some free Crest Whitening Expressions toothpaste.

EDIT: No longer available!

If you don’t have long hair, I’m not sure what you’ll do with a free Redken comb. Maybe you could take it out west and sift for huge chunks of gold. Or perhaps you could wrap some thin paper around it and start your own garage harmonica band. What I’m trying to say is no matter how you earn millions with it, be sure you send me a royalty check.

[via Julie]

edit: You were just a hair short of getting this freebie on time. Get it?! See, …

This free John Frieda shampoo made me realize my hair volume is pretty low. Heck, it’s muted. Does that even make sense? No? DOES IT MAKE SENSE IF I YELL?

Oh man, see what I did there? I “yelled” it by typing in all caps. Like I turned up the “volume.” Get it? Cause we were talking about hair volume and then I wittily started talking about sound volume. You know, cause hair volume is in relation to the amount of space the hair occupies while sound volume correlates to the amplitude of a sound wave. It’s a play on words; a pun if you will. But the two definitions are actually closely related, because both volumes increase as the space occupied or amplitude increases. I guess that’s why volume is used for both definitions. You could actually argue that they’re one in same and that…

Hahaha, bad jokes plus excruciating deconstruction of said jokes equal hilarity. Just ask my friends and family, it’s a favorite pastime of mine.