I just realized I never wrote a guide to using ShopText, so look for that in the next few days. But until then, here’s a quick guide: you sign up for a free account on ShopText.com and then any time you want one of their freebies, you send a text message with the secret word. Their software matches your phone number to the address you used when signing up and automatically ships the freebie out to ya!

It’s kind of nifty and cool as long as you overlook how close we’re getting to creating Skynet.

EDIT: The nine zeros trick isn’t working, but you can instead use any random nine numbers.

EDIT #2: Now they’re out of samples.

The free Clorox disinfecting wipes from Sam’s Club that we posted last month is now back from the dead. You have to enter a club membership number, but you can simply put in nine zeros (000000000) and the form will submit.

An alternate option is to get two dogs who don’t listen to a word you say and who eat / lick anything you spill on the ground within 0.002 seconds. I tried asking them what part of no they don’t understand, but their response was to start licking my feet.

1. HEART – worth 50 points
2. Watch this Blu-ray video. You can skip the intro and it’s worth 100 points. It’s rather long, so you might want to play it while you’re doing something else.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a laundry freebie, huh? I remember they were one of the most popular types of freebies when I started HIF over three and a half years ago. That was back when I had to walk uphill to my mailbox three miles away and when I went back inside. It was a geographical oddity to say the least. I probably shouldn’t have taken such a circuitous route…

But whatever, this free Seventh Generation laundry detergent will help me relive the good ol’ days. Now where’s my rotary phone and fedora hat?! I need to call the operator and see when the next talkie is playing!

As with other Sam’s Club freebies, this free Clorox Disinfecting Wipes offer requires a Membership Number, but will take all zeros. I wish everything in life was that easy. Can’t remember your work’s street address? All zeros! What’s your friend’s new phone number again? All zeros! How much money is in your checking account? All zer…wait a minute…

You can tell it’s late in the day when you see this free Bounce Dryer Bar offer and start to wonder if it has alcohol in it. I believe it’s time to close this laptop and retire to the back porch with a new episode of The Bugle and some whiskey. And to think people complain that there’s nothing to do on Tuesday nights!

The freebie is from Viewpoints and unfortunately they don’t say if or how many freebies are still available. I hate when companies don’t let you know if the offer is valid or not, but oh well, I’m just a mere blogger who has no influence whatsoever with these companies. Or DO I?!¹ MWAHAHA!

1. Let’s see…oh, no, I don’t

Downy has a promotion going on where you can get a coupon for a free travel size Downy Wrinkle Releaser if you upload a photo of a wrinkled item to their website. Unfortunately for them but luckily for lazy people like me, they’ve got the coupon directly uploaded onto their site. So…do whatever you feel like on this fine Monday afternoon. It’s not like I can tell you what to do. Or can I? Uh…send me $10. Make it $20! Actually, go ahead and draw up Power of Attorney papers for me to sign.

They also say you’ll get $10 in coupons if you subscribe to their newsletter, but again, they have an option where you can bypass that altogether and have the coupons mailed directly to you. Either the people over at Downy are geniuses or somebody really needs to explain to them how proper marketing works.

The free Lever2000 soap offer page on Walmart’s site has bubbles you can roll over which pop and displays words that supposedly describe the soap. I got playful, happiness, smooth, and laughter before giving up and moving on. Who thinks of their soap as being playful? I’m not sure they’re using it correctly if they do. And smooth? Quick, name me a soap that’s jagged and sharp! Exactly.

As a kid, I used to always wish I’d get sick so that I could stay home from school. What was the worst that could happen to me back then? Strep throat? Possibly a stomach bug? Now my siblings have to worry about freaking Swine Flu! Maybe these free Clorox Disinfecting Wipes for teachers will help keep them healthy and out of my hair for six hours a day.

For the record, I was quite conflicted with which way to go with my snark. “Little movers” has so much potential, that I thought it best to leave it be.

If you sign up for SC Johnson Right@Home, you’ll receive occasional exclusive coupon offers through your e-mail¹, such as this free $1 any Pledge product coupon. If SC Johnson really wanted me to feel at home, they’d personally deliver the coupons to me in the mail. Or move in next door and play Euro Techno music at 4 in the morning.

1. As always, make sure you’re using your freebie e-mail address instead of your home or work address!

Don’t be fooled by the name, however, as this freebie does not come with an actual caddy. When I asked for advice on which shampoo I should use, it didn’t provide a single helpful insight. And don’t even get me started about when I asked it put my 9 iron away!

Okay, fine, you caught me. I still wear the glasses. And jacket. Including right now. It’s not my fault this room is so cold!

Some people are saying there’s a free Cascade Crystal Clear Rinse Agent coupon in it this time around, but I can’t confirm nor deny that. Other things I can’t confirm nor deny are the existence of aliens or the fact that I’m extremely hung over right now.

If the above link doesn’t work, you’ll have to access the page like I did. Go print out at least one Lysol coupon and then you’ll be shown a “Discover More” option that will take you to the additional coupons. I hate when companies build their links so that you can’t share them with other people. It’s like buying a watch that doesn’t tell time to go along with your cell phone that doesn’t make calls. Kind of defeats the purpose, if you ask me.

$1.00 off Arm & Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizer Spray
$1.00 off Arm & Hammer Whitening Booster
$3.00 off new Arm & Hammer Clear Balance Pool Maintenance Tablets
$1.00 off any Arm & Hammer Total 2-in-1 Dryer Cloths
$1.00 off any Arm & Hammer Clumping Cat Litter
75¢ off any Arm & Hammer Clean Shower Daily Shower Cleaner
50¢ off any Arm & Hammer Carpet & Fabric Odor Eliminator Powder
$1.00 off any Arm & Hammer Essentials Cleaners Starter Kit
75¢ off any Arm & Hammer Scrub Free Bathroom Cleaner
$1.00 off any Arm & Hammer Toothpaste (4oz. or larger)
50¢ off two 2lb or 4lb Arm & Hammer Baking Soda OR Fridge Fresh Refrigerator Air Filter

Between these and the Lysol coupons, my apartment is going to be cleaner than it’s ever been before. Well, just as soon as I find somebody to clean it for me.

$1 off Lysol Healthy Touch Gentle Hand Sanitizer Foam
$1 off Lysol NEUTRA AIR Sanitizing Spray
$4 off Lysol NEUTRA AIR Freshmatic Air Treatment Product
$1 off Lysol Disinfecting Wipes
50¢ off Lysol All Purpose Cleaner Trigger
50¢ off Lysol All Purpose Cleaner Pourable
50¢ off Lysol Disinfectant Spray To Go
$1 off Lysol Disinfectant Spray
50¢ off Lysol Disinfectant Spray
55¢ off Lysol Bathroom Cleaner
55¢ off Lysol Antibacterial Kitchen Cleaner

Note that the name you sign up with will be printed on the coupons, so you might not want to use a 100% bogus and stupid name like I did! I’m not sure if my local Walmart will take coupons that say “for Mr. Goob Shaloob” or not, but there’s only one way to find out.

[via the forums]