Free Menopause Survival Kit

We posted this free Menopause Survival Kit back in December, but I'm not sure if it came or not for those who signed up. Suffice to say, this was one of those freebies where I signed up a friend or relative instead of myself. Something tells me I'm not going to be going through Menopause anytime soon.

Free Breast Self-Exam Shower Card

This free breast self-exam shower card is a good idea, both for reminding women to frequently check themselves for breast cancer and for also showing them how to properly do so. I just wish there was something similar for people like me who frequently forget how to shower in the first place. I jump in, freak out because of the cold water, and then end up squirting shampoo in my eyes.

This is easily a daily occurrence for me!

Free Tampon Carrying Case

I felt silly signing up for this free tampon carrying case since I don't have too many tampons I need to carry around with me. But you are also entered into a drawing to win a new Toyota Prius as well, which is what got me hooked. I'm currently driving a truck that I'm fairly certain accounts for 14.3% of all carbon emissions made by mankind every year. It's also a certifiable death trap once it tops 45 mph. If you ever see a story on CNN about a wreck caused by a truck vibrating itself to pieces, that's me!

[thanks to Heidi for sending this in!]

Free Carmex Lip Balm

For as long as I can remember, I've always suffered from massive chapped lips every winter. But as a kid, I didn't really know what was wrong and thus I always licked my chops to try and sooth them. My mom finally spotted me doing so one day and after a quick inspection, pulled into the nearest pharmacy parking lot and told me to run in and buy something called Carmex. And….

Little Goob: Hi, do you have any Carmex for sale?
Old Lady Behind The Counter: No, sorry son.
Goob: Are you sure? My mom said I could get some Carmex in here.
OLBTC: Trust me, we don't sell that here. Besides, those things are good for nothing anyway.
Goob: But my lips are really chapped and they hurt! Don't you have anything I can buy?
OLBTC: How the heck are comics going to help cure your chapped lips?

Luckily for me, I don't have to go into a pharmacy anymore and spend ten minutes trying to tell people I want Carmex and not comics. Why? Because I can just sign up for this free Carmex lip balm and have it sent straight to me in the mail!

free advil pm

Free Advil PM

Advil PM was another freebie that used to appear now and again. These days, the best you can do is their coupons and offers page.

Today's free Advil PM is made from only the highest rated Prime Ministers Great Britain has to offer. I'm assuming. I might want to go read through the fine print.

Thanks goes to Patty for pointing out that Walmart is giving away yet another quality freebie, this time being free Advil PM. I'm not sure this is a good thing, because like Mitch Hedberg once said, Advil isn't good to have around when you have a sweet tooth. They should take a page from Tylenol's playbook and just give us pills with no candy coating!

Ever since returning from Australia, my sleeping pattern has been all out of wack. And it's not even because of jet lag! I'm passing out at like 6 in the evening, which is around 10 in the morning over there, so I can't say my body clock is still on Australian time. And then, come 3 or 4 in the morning, I'm wide away. I figure I'll just wait until this free Advil PM comes in the mail, down it and half a carton of eggnog, and sleep for two days straight. That's gotta be healthy, no?

Be warned though, some stupid video automatically starts playing when you visit the page above. It scared the living bejesus out of me, so make sure you don't have your speakers at full blast when you click the link!

Free Schiff Vitamins Freebies

The first Schiff freebie was found in June 2006, but the next five all came steady across 2011-14. Unfortunately, I haven't found a Schiff freebie since then, so here are my previous comments in the meantime!

Old HIF Jokes

I used to make fun of people who wore these types of things since I associated anybody who wore them with being old. And myself, well I was a young bucking lad who had nary the back problems. Now I'm a 23 year old in the body of a 90 year old, a guy who can't get out of bed without straining 18 ligaments. To put it another way, if I was a baseball player, I'd be Kerry Wood and Mark Prior rolled into one. Thankfully, the good people at Schiff have made products like this free Move Free Advanced that enable old folks like me to get around without harm!

Who wants some free Schiff MegaRed Omega-3 Krill Oil!? It's … ah … okay, I really don't know what this is. I understand those words individually. Yet when put together in that particular sequence they make about as much sense as “briefcase trivia falafel” does.

This is the fourth time I've posted a free Schiff MegaRed krill oil offer and I still don't know what this stuff is. I can't wait until I'm applying for another job sometime in the next decade.

Guy in Suit: So, what did you do at your previous job?
Goob: Uh. I found links to freebies and then made corny jokes.
Suit: And…
Goob: That's it. I didn't know what I was doing half the time though.
Suit: …
Goob: I'll show myself out.

Sometimes I wish the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come would hurry up and get here so I can see whether or not I get buried in a freak pile of freebies.

When I sat down to write about this free Schiff Move Free Ultra on Facebook, I decided I first needed to investigate what in the heck “total joint health” even meant. And, uh, I'm not really sure how, but about an hour later I was reading about Australia's 2,021 mile anti-rabbit fence.

I'm sure there's a “falling down the rabbit's hole” joke somewhere in there.

Free Pill Dispenser

I remember my grandmother used to have one of these things so she didn't mix her pills up and I kinda thought it was weird, because how hard could it be to remember what pills you had to take on what day? Fastforward 10 years later and while I'm only 23, I forget what freaking month it is, much less whether or not I need to be taking my brother to baseball or my sister to softball or my baby brother to…well, he doesn't really do much, but you get my drift. So if you think this might help you out, go grab a free pill dispenser and never accidentally take the blue pill on a red pill day!