A world renowned slalom skier, fluent speaker of 14 languages, and freebie hunter. Only one of those is true, but it makes my biography look much fuller. In my spare time I enjoy launching my own space program and disproving the Coriolis effect.

Feel free to heckle me at:

Free Krispy Kreme Doughnut

Free Krispy Kreme Talk Like Pirate

Friday, September 19 is National Talk Like A Pirate Day and what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of pirates? Buried treasure, obviously. But what’s the second? Grog, duh. How about the third though?! Swashbuckling sword fights without a doubt.

Unfortunately none of those are free tomorrow, but the 198,344th thing you associate with pirates is: free Krispy Kreme donuts! If you simply talk like a pirate, you’ll receive one free glazed donut. However if you walk in wearing at least three of the items below, you’ll get a free dozen glazed donuts!

  • Eye Patch **
  • Pirate Hat
  • Pirate Flag (Black or Red) **
  • Bandana
  • Peg Leg
  • Parrot on Shoulder **
  • Pirate Shirt / Loose white shirt
  • Knickers
  • Leather belt
  • Silver and gold necklaces and earrings
  • Pirate Hook **
  • Pointy black boots or ragged brown sandals

You can print any items with ** via Krispy Kreme’s site, so no need to raid the kid’s Halloween costumes box.

Free New Yorker Magazine Subscription

Free New Yorker Subscription

RewardsGold is offering free New Yorker magazine subscriptions. This is the first time I’ve ever seen this given aawy, so it’ll probably go as fast as a New Yorker minute!

Yeah that was bad. I’ll see myself out.

Edit: They have two pages of surveys now. Ugh. Still totally worth the cost of the freebie, but it takes 3 or 4 minutes to get through it all. Here’s a shot of all the other available magazines and newspapers as well!

Free McDonald’s Coffee on Sept. 16-29

Free McDonald's Coffee

EDIT: I’m bumping this post as a reminder that the free coffee start today!

Mark your calendars because McDonald’s Free Coffee Event is returning Sept. 16 through 29, allowing Hiffers to get a free McCafe coffee during breakfast hours at participating locations. Upon getting the freebie, they’re hoping we’ll “sip and tell” our friends, but come on. This is America. If you really want to get people involved, change it to “gulp and yell.” That’s how we do things around here.

Free Tums Ultra Maximum Strength

Free Tums Ultra Maximum Strength

Costco members with a 12-digit ID can receive free Tums ultra maximum strength in berry flavor. Makes perfect sense. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of ultra and/or maximum strength items are assorted berries. Gotta watch out for those suckers.

Free Dove Body Wash

Free Dove Body Wash

Walmart is giving away free Dove body wash in exchange for watching a short video by Jeannine Morris. Who is that? According to her website, somebody who has made a living going on TV and telling people what to wear. I have a feeling she’d be a tad miffed by yours truly.

*glances down at his gym shorts and old Ninja Turtles t-shirt.

Free Meta Cinnamon Oatmeal Raisin Bar

Free Metamucil Cinnamon Oatmeal Raisin Bar

My working theory behind the name length of this free Metamucil cinnamon oatmeal raisin Meta health bar is that they want you to forget you read “Metamucil” at the start.

Free Nesquik Chocolate Milk

According to my sources, there are 300,000 available samples of free Nesquik chocolate milk. That’s enough milk to fill … well I’ve got no idea how many Olympic swimming pools it’d fill, but I have to know now.

*updates Bucket List*

75 Free Disney Rewards Points

Free Disney Movie Rewards Points

Code DMR2MIL is worth 75 free Disney points. *insert joke about Disney here*

Man, I really suck at my job, huh?

Free Kraft Macaroni & Müller Yogurt

Free Kraft Macaroni

EDIT: SavingStar also has a 100% off coupon for Isabel Tuna products good at Harris Teeter!

SavingStar is handing out free Kraft macaroni in either original or shell form while Kroger is sticking with the dairy train and offering free Müller yogurt. And for the 100th time this year, I’m thrilled we don’t have to eat these Friday Freebies together.

So am I the only Hiffer walking around saying Müller, Müller, Müller all day long?

Free Depends Adult Briefs

I could write my own joke for these free Depends adult briefs, but I’m certain we all agree the video above handles my job perfectly. Any more and I’d just be getting in the way.

[thanks to Hiffer Katherine for sending this in!]

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