Hey, It’s Free!

Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you as a concerned member of the freebie world. I’m no business executive, but I do know that in order to stay up and running, most companies need to sell various products for profit. With that in mind, I ask how in the world is Dove still operating? Every time I turn around, they’re giving away endless amounts of samples, like the free Dove Pro-Age lotion.

But it’s not just the fact that Dove is giving away countless freebies. There’s the trend in product names. Pro-age? Isn’t lotion supposed to be anti-age? Is the name supposed to be ironic? Is this a joke I’m not getting?

Some people might think I run a freebie website and develop relationships with the companies so that I can get even more free samples. Heck no! I just want their e-mail addresses so I can ask them what the heck their product names mean.

[via Nick]

What does the SciFi channel and Degree for Men deodorant have in common? I have no idea. Maybe they both enjoy creating websites that force even the newest of computers to stop everything it’s doing in an effort to load it. My computer almost ate itself trying to process that freaking page - I honestly thought it was going to catch on fire. I really like this computer and it’s expensive, so I got pretty worried and even started sweating a little.

I…wait a minute…Ooooooooooh, they’re good!

[via the forums]

I get the image of a chick running on this free Playtex sport page, but I’m a little baffled by the next one of her shopping. Is shopping a sport to women? You know, that might explain a lot. I enjoy the company of a woman who appreciates sports, but now I’m gonna have to rethink that position.

How about this new rule of thumb: If an activity involves trying on more than two pairs of outfits, it’s not a sport. Can we all agree to this? Oh, and here’s a secondary page for when the Wal Mart offer dies soon.

EDIT: Guess what’s wrong with this freebie now. I’ll give you a clue. It rhymes with “bed.”

Every minute I waste typing up a description for this free Biore Daily Recharging sample is a minute closer to Wal Mart killing it, so I’ll shut up now and let everybody get to, uh, recharging?

Wait, this product is called “Daily Recharging?” Isn’t that what sleep is for? Sorry, I forgot that I promised to be quiet.

Apparently Oprah is getting into the on-line freebie business, as the free Suze Orman book below came from her as did this free Murad Resurgence sample. Now, I love books and goop to smear on my skin, but I could really use a new car, Oprah. Hint, hint. You see what I’m saying here? I need a new car!

Hopefully she gets the message. Now it’s time to sit back and wait for the best freebie ever.

I think there are more freebies aimed at women than there are at men, case in point this free Ponds towelette for makeup removal. I’m seriously considering becoming a drag queen simply so I can use a higher percentage of the freebies I find.

[via the forums]

I’m not sure if this free GOJO hand cleaner is a Canadian freebie only, but it accepted my US mailing address so I guess we’ll see. I remember my dad always kept something similar to this in the garage (heck, it might actually have been this stuff!) and it will take ANYTHING off your hands. It really smells like citrus as well, to the point where it seems like you’re just rubbing a smashed up orange all over your hand. You know, if fruit prices weren’t so high, I’d go get my hands dirty and see if a smashed up orange would clean them. Instead, I’m just gonna eat it and be thankful I held off scurvy for another day.

EDIT: All gone!

Okay, go to the webpage for this free Garnier Nutritioniste Skin Renew and look at the main photo for it. Now, I’m no licensed medical professional or photo expert, but I still feel confident in saying that if you take a photo of yourself and it shows that you’re gray and while with invisible black dots under normal conditions, well…I’m not sure what you need is a freebie. If that were me, I’d be making an appointment with my doctor and when the receptionist asked why I was coming in, I’d tell her it’s because I’m turning into a space mutant.

I received an e-mail from Diane this week offering to give away some of her free Luxurious Mineral™ makeup. Simply go to her site and e-mail her via the “contact” link with your home address and she’ll send you a free sample of the makeup. I wish I could say more about the makeup, but I have to be honest, my knowledge in this area stops right after the fact that lipstick goes on your lips.

I learned that lesson the hard way as a kid after I once (true story) at an entire tube of my mom’s lipstick after thinking it was a lollipop. I’ve still yet to figure out why I didn’t stop eating it after I realized it didn’t taste like a lollipop though.

I’ve come to believe that whenever Wal Mart opens up a new freebie offer, like they have with this free Pantene Pro-V Expressions, that we need some sort of alert system for people to learn about it before it dies. I say we just use the Emergency Broadcast System, because ever since I was a little boy, I’ve waited for it to go off and NOT be a test.

The only way this can happen without a massive national disaster is if we commander it in the name of Freebies. Come on, who would complain about this? People would see it going off, think aliens are zombies were attacking us, and then feel relieved and overcome with joy that it’s only a freebie alert. There’s gotta be some way we can make this happen.

[via Cara]

Why does the logo for this free Vaseline Men from Wal Mart have a giant fist behind the products? Is it trying to punch them off the screen? Is it meant to signify strength and manliness? Whatever they were going for, I think they failed, because now I’m worried that if I use this product somebody will punch me in the face. Way to go, Vaseline!

[via the forums that are now totally awesome / up and running.]

P.S. Anybody know how to fix a water heater, dishwasher, ice machine, air conditioner, or sliding glass door? Apparently my house is under that impression that I’m handy with a toolbox, which is wrong in about 9 trillion different ways.

I’ve been working on the forums for the past 24 hours (seemingly straight…) and I figured it was time to take a break and find a few freebies. So I went over to the forums to see what’s new and…wow. In a mere 30 seconds, I had forgotten that there wouldn’t be anything new on the forums. It reminded me of that hilarious bit by comedian Dave Mordal about the power being out and trying to turn on all the lights. I can’t find the video of it anywhere, but here’s an audio clip of it.

Oh yeah, the freebie. Here’s a new product being given away called Flixsticks. Looks good to me.

I’m about burned out on all these free lotions and gels lately, like this free NIVEA Natural Tone from Walmart. There’s only so much a guy can take before he feels the need to rush outside and roll around in the mud and dirt. As a matter of fact, that sounds like a pretty good idea. See ya!

[via Froggie]

Whoever designed the page for this free Clean & Clear Absorbing Sheets forgot the small rule of thumb that people usually can’t read tiny freaking text. I almost had to find my magnifying glass while filling out the form. I did figure out that you don’t have to bother with the survey on the second page, so woo hoo to that. Just click next and it’ll take you straight to the confirmation page.

I happy this free Gillette body wash doesn’t try to pass itself off as a shampoo as well. I’ve never trusted a product that tries to say it’s both a soap AND a shampoo crammed into one bottle. It’s like that product that came out a while ago with peanut butter and jelly mixed together inside - it’s just not natural! Before you know it, we’ll be eating entire meals out of a single tube and using one type of soap to wash not just our bodies, but our dishes, clothes, and pets as well.

Ah dang it, now I’ve got the mental image of my dogs jumping into the shower with me and making me smell like a wet dog. Thanks a lot, Gillette.

[via cara]

I’m sure this free Lubriderm lotion is a good freebie and all, but it got me thinking - what’s the deal with all the anti-Canadian freebies lately? I feel bad for anybody living up there, because I haven’t found many decent freebies being sent across the border. Maybe it’s yet another one of the side effects of the bad economy or maybe there’s a recent Freebie Conspiracy brewing.

I don’t care what anybody says, I’m going with the latter. It’s time for Goob to don his investigator hat, grab a notepad, and start running around making wild and unfounded accusations!

[via missysloan]

EDIT: Looks like this is dead now

This free Dove Go Fresh deodorant is supposed to be for Costco members, but seeing as how they’ll accept your information without a Costco member ID, maybe us simpletons will get a sample too. Actually, I’m a member at Costco, but I lost my card a while back and couldn’t be bothered to find it. There’s apathetic people, then pure lazy folks, and then me at the top of the pyramid ruling them all. No, that doesn’t sound right. There’s no way I’d climb to the top of a pyramid. Let’s say it’s an engineering marvel, upside-down pyramid. It was built by a ancient empire off all-Goob’s who surpassed the skills of even the Egyptians.

Only problem is they were too lazy to write down anything about themselves, and thus are forgotten. What a tragedy.

[via Leslie]

Why does this free Colgate MaxFresh toothpaste have a redundant name? Isn’t all toothpaste supposed to raise the freshness of your mouth to maximum level? Have I been using average freshening toothpaste all these years? Or…*gulp*…low freshening toothpaste? What kind of monster would run a company that churns out toothpaste with a low freshening level? That’s it, I demand multiple Congressional hearings into this national travesty!

[via Moose]

EDIT: Apparently our collective positive thinking power is much weaker than we’d expected. In other words, this freebie’s dead now.

Walmart is giving away some free Ban deodorant and I promise that this one won’t die mere minutes after I post it. Im all about the power of positive thinking today and right now I’m chanting over and over that Walmart shouldn’t kill this freebie. Come on, everybody say it together with me and maybe we can make this happen!

Now let’s see how long this actually lasts.

Edit: Blarg! Walmart needs to stop killing these RIGHT AFTER I post them!

I recently came to the realization that I don’t know how to buy toothbrushes. Seriously, I’m completely inept when it comes to this activity. A few days ago I bought one that looked cool only to discover later that evening that it barely fit in my mouth. Huh, what was that? Oh, it was just the sound of my mom passing out since she just realized she raised a complete idiot! Luckily there’s this free Aquafresh Amazing toothpaste, so I don’t have to bother with trying to buy that stuff.

[via Cara]